So, whenever I'm not working, I try to force myself into the coffee shop environment where I write in long-hand in an old notebook from South Africa. It's a long process, but it works pretty well. Especially now, because I've taken up residence at a coffee house that also serves beer and wine. It's got the coffee shop vibe, but I can drink beer while I write. Hello, awesomeness.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, before I discovered this new place, I was sitting at Starbucks attempting to write. I had written one shitty paragraph when I received an email on my phone from the school in Alaska saying I hadn't been offered a teaching assistant position. Having a TA position is how I was planning on affording grad school. It was going to save me from debt. It was part of why I deferred admission for a year in hopes of receiving a position this year. Suddenly, as I was sitting in Starbucks, I felt like my world was collapsing under my feet. This year seemed wasted and incomplete. I felt useless.
So, I packed up my notebook, and I drove straight out of town up into the mountains. It was sleeting off and on, and as I went up the mountain, the sleet became light snow. It was a stupid thing to do, especially since I was alone and nobody knew where I was going. But that was kind of the point. I ended up 45 minutes out of town and running up a trail up to this waterfall.
Before I move on to other things, I want you to notice two facts about the previous statement:
1. I ran the mile up to the waterfall and back to my car. Since when am I runner?
2. My immediate instinct was not to buy a bottle of tequila. I think this means I'm growing up.
Anyway, the falls were beautiful, and despite the rain, sleet, and snow, I was satisfied to be able to get away from things even though it didn't solve any of my problems. The waterfall didn't solve anything, but it did vaguely whisper through its mist that mingled with rain, "You should probably go anyway." As the weeks have gone by, there have been a lot of tears, a lot of discussions with friends, and a lot of writing in my journal about my options. But I've only come to one conclusion every time: I still have to go to Alaska.
It's the only direction that leads forward. Yeah, maybe I don't exactly hate working retail anymore, but I still want to leave it behind me in August. I don't want to live with my parents anymore. I don't want to be a walking cliche anymore. I don't really have anywhere else to go that wouldn't be the "easy option." And I swore to myself to never take the easy way out again...that's how I ended up in Oregon. That's how I ended up miserable. Sure, I'm okay now, but I'm still not exactly happy. And the ultimate reason for saying "fuck it, I'm going anyway" is that any other option would be leading in the exact opposite direction of where I'm trying to go.
I still haven't told my parents about the setback. I need to know that this is my decision, and my decision alone. But every time I get overwhelmed by the thought of debt or starving to death or more likely, freezing to death because I didn't have enough money to pay the bills and the heat got turned off...I go back to the waterfall in my head. And the waterfall only tells me one thing: GET YOUR ASS TO ALASKA!
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